°°°Humor°°°

Noch ein Witz:

I've heard Hitler had a dog without a nose.
But how does he smell then?
Oh - awful!

Was brennt und hoppelt durch den Wald?

"ein Kaminchen"

schönet Ding du

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Dieser Beitrag wurde von Juri: 02 Oct 2018, 00:29 bearbeitet

“So I was with this girl last night, right?”

“Yeah?”

“Things are heating up, and we move to the bedroom, where she’s all like, ‘Oh, yeah, baby, give me 8 inches and make it hurt!’”

“So what’d you do?”

“The only thing I could do… fucked her twice and hit her in the head with a brick.” Quelle

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Dieser Beitrag wurde von Juri: 02 Oct 2018, 00:18 bearbeitet

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Dieser Beitrag wurde von Juri: 02 Oct 2018, 00:15 bearbeitet

Teachers Assignment

PART 1:
Writing assignment: Write a story with each of the two team members alternating paragraphs.

"Today we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story. The process is simple. Each person will pair off with the person sitting to his or her immediate right. As homework tonight, one of you will write the first paragraph of a short story. You will e-mail your partner that paragraph and send another copy to me. The partner will read the first paragraph and then add another paragraph to the story and send it back, also sending another copy to me. The first person will then add a third paragraph, and so on back-and-forth. Remember to re-read what has been written each time in order to keep the story coherent. There is to be absolutely NO talking outside of the e-mails and anything you wish to say must be written in the e-mail. The story is over when both agree a conclusion has been reached."

The following was actually turned in by two of my English students:

Rebecca (last name deleted), and Gary (last name deleted).

THE STORY:

(first paragraph by Rebecca)

At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. The chamomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he liked chamomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about him too much her asthma started acting up again. So chamomile was out of the question.

Part 2:

(second paragraph by Gary)

Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago. "A.S. Harris to Geostation 17," he said into his transgalactic communicator. "Polar orbit established. No sign of resistance so far..." But before he could sign off a bluish particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship's cargo bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across the cockpit.

(Rebecca)

He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before he felt one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4. "Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel," Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared out the window, dreaming of her youth, when the days had passed unhurriedly and carefree, with no newspapers to read, no television to distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her. "Why must one ; lose one's innocence to become a woman?" she pondered wistfully.

Part 3 (final):

(Gary)

Little did she know, but she had less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands of miles above the city, the Anu'udrian mothership launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dim-witted wimpy peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace disarmament Treaty through the congress had left Earth a defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who were determined to destroy the human race. Within two hours after the passage of the treaty the Anu'udrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop them, they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably massive explosion, which vaporized poor, stupid, Laurie and 85 million other Americans. The President slammed his fist on the conference table. "We can't allow this! I'm going to veto that treaty! Let's blow 'em out of the sky!"

(Rebecca)

This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic semi-literate adolescent.

(Gary)

Yeah? Well, you're a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium. "Oh, shall I have chamomile tea? Or shall I have some other sort of F^^KING TEA??? Oh no, I'm such an air headed bimbo who reads too many Danielle Steele novels!"

(Rebecca)

A^^hole.

(Gary)

B*tch

(Rebecca)

F*^K YOU - YOU NEANDERTHAL!!!

(Gary)

Go drink some tea - whore.

(TEACHER)

A+ - I really liked this one

Satz mit drei Lügen:

Ehrlicher Pole mit eigenem Pkw sucht Arbeit.

Erst den Text lesen....dann das Bild aufrufen!

Singapore Airline Flug 226 nach New York.

Passkontrolle: Security:
Pass bitte!

Fluggast:
Moment, habe gleich

Security:
Pass bitte!

Fluggast:
Ich nix finden, bin Supaman.

Security:
? Wie Supaman? Wie heißen Sie?

Fluggast:
Batman

Security:
Verarschen kann ich mich alleine. Ausweis
bitte!

Fluggast:
Muss in Koffer sein. Bin Supaman.

Security:
Ja, ja! Und ich bin Wonderwoman! Komm mal
mit, das wird mir zu bunt. Der Fluggast wird
abgeführt.

Fluggast:
Nein, ich nix böse, bin Supaman. Batman bin
Supaman.

Als man den Ausweis des Flugastes findet,
entschuldigt man sich inaller Form, nicht
ohne eine Ausweiskopie zu ziehen, denn sowas
sieht man selten:

http://img232.imageshack.us/img232/9531/00007301ek0.jpg

Hat noch jemand Musikerwitze?

Aliens haben einen Strahl entwickelt mit dem sich Gehirne schrumpfen lassen.

Als erste Testperson wird ein Drummer gewählt, der gerade auf der Bühne beim Soundcheck sitzt und immer monoton auf die Snare schlägt.
Zuerst wird der Strahl auf ein viertel der Leistung eingestellt und auf den Drummer geschossen.
Er schlägt unverändert seine Viertel weiter.
Die Aliens erhöhen die Leistung auf 50%.
Nichts passiert, der Drummer schlägt weiter wie gehabt.

Die Aliens stellen den Strahl auf volle Leistung und saugen sein Gehirn komplett weg.
Erst passiert nichts, dann steht der Drummer auf, geht ans Mikro und sagt "check, check, eins zwo, eins zwo..."